Finally, after weeks of feeling squished between projects / demands / fully occupied chunks of my brain, I feel once again like I have space to be and to breathe. I feel that I can be to fully present somewhere instead of having to mete out my mental space and capacity to so many different things that I really am not sure where, or even who, I am at any given time.
I wondered why I felt like I was on the brink of my sanity. The description above of where my head has been would explain it – the concepts of space and identity are incredibly important to me and they serve as my anchors. If they are out of kilter then I am off balance.
Unsurprisingly a number of things have come to a crunch for me both professionally and personally the last week or so and I am finally experiencing the freshness & clarity that succeeds a good storm. It never fails to amaze me how I can’t see the bigger picture until after it is done. The work stuff I had at least been aware of as it crossed my horizon, but wasn’t in a position to resolve until it reached critical mass. Then in conversation about sorting the work stuff on Friday my boss asked if there was also anything going on in my personal life and I answered a cheery “no!” without thinking.
In one way that is absolutely true – there is nothing catastrophic that has happened recently in my personal life and no new pressures personally. But, as I was reminded on Friday night, there is a deeply personal part of my history that rears its ugly head periodically and demands my attention. It wasn’t until I found myself explaining this very personal part of my history to damn near enough a complete stranger that I realised just how badly I was in need of an outlet for the story right then. My need to tell it literally smacks me in the side of the head (and even then only once I’ve done it). That is how little I see it coming. Denial is an incredibly useful, but frighteningly powerful thing.
I’m not yet ready to share this history, which I have now hinted at a few times, in this blog. What I am prepared to share is that grappling with it occupies a chunk of my brain, the same as any other problem I might be struggling to think through (personally or professionally). Somewhere along the line I became very good at denying the existence of this mental wrangling, even to myself. For a person who values self awareness above most other things, this is a little incongruous to say the least!
I am indebted to all the many people who have listened and through doing so given me a chunk of their mental space to ease the strain on my own. Thank you. I hope you understand just how much it means to me, because the gift you’ve given of listening has such huge significance that I can certainly never express its meaning. Thanks 🙂
P.S. in homage to some of the wonderful people in my life, my latest playlist is almost entirely made of tracks that either where either the track itself or this particular version has been introduced to me by a friend. The only exception is ‘Girl From Mars’ which is one I discovered for myself at 15. If you use Spotify you can find it here: October 2012