Busy writing!

I finally feel like I am getting somewhere with actually writing the next assignment, my spring term paper.  I am acutely aware of the fact that I have been whinging to my friends about it for weeks now and they must be bloody fed up of it.  Well, let me put it this way, I am bloody fed up of hearing myself whinge about it so they must be!  It is due on the 20th April and I have been stressing about it for a good seven weeks now.  I have been stressing about having enough time to actually do the damned thing.  I have a few days leave from work for Easter and that has been set aside as my writing time for ages now.  Today I sat and wrote and wrote and then I wrote some more.  I had a go at starting the writing up last week and I got 400 words done.  200 of those I then rewrote.  Today however, I started on 400 and had written 1640 when I stopped for the day.  I feel such a sense of relief that it is started and that I am managing to write it.  It has not even been really difficult or hard going today.  I think the most difficult thing is just that I am so very tired and my attention keeps on wandering.  I have not done anything much else today.  I went to bed early last night and woke up at about 8am today.  I have spent much of the day writing but had several breaks so shouldn’t have been a particularly tiring day.  However, it is now only 9:30pm and I am exhausted. As soon as I finish this post I will go to bed.

I do sometimes wonder why on earth I ever contemplated studying for a Masters while I am working full time.  In spite of my best efforts, I didn’t fully anticipate just how difficult it would be.  This sometimes induces a feeling of despair that can last days.  Then, at some point, I think about what I get out of it.  I do enjoy doing it, really I do.  In balance, over the last 6 months, it has been well worth all the brain hurting effort, skirting of the edge of my sanity and sitting down to read bastard texts when I really could do without it.  Even the desperately humiliating presentation I suffered through was worth it and was not wholly a bad experience (though I will admit that I didn’t see it that way at the time).  Then there is all the really good stuff, the amazing texts and literature I have been introduced to and all the hugely fascinating people I have had the opportunity to encounter and even talk to in many cases.  There is also the fact that it has boosted my confidence a great deal and has and will continue to give me an excellent opportunity to figure out how I learn and what I am capable of.  Further, it has given me an excuse to write in a structured way and to explore different ways of communicating through the written word.

Last term there was a point where I seriously considered giving up on the study.  I was miserable, because I felt tired and under huge amounts of mental pressure.  I was convinced that I was hopelessly naive and stupid in comparison to the others studying the same programme as me.  I am stubborn, however and I remember bargaining with myself about it.  I had been so excited about starting studying and so proud of myself for even getting as far as starting the course.  When I started debating it whether or not I could cope, I had just settled on a vague topic for last term’s term paper. I resolved that I would have to see out the term and write the paper, I couldn’t give up before doing that.  I decided that I would write the paper, somehow, and then make a decision on whether to carry on based on my mark for my paper as that would be an objective measure of my progress.  By the time I got to the last two weeks of term I started feeling differently.  I had a clear direction for the paper and I felt like I knew what I was doing (!)  The reading I had done throughout the term was starting to coalesce in my head.  I don’t even quite know what changed, I was just relieved and pleased that it got better.  The feeling of euphoria that perhaps I did deserve to be studying and perhaps I was going to manage to do something useful as a result was amazing.  It was worth all the stress.  Its not even so much the hard work that bothers me, it is the stress and mental pressure that I experience as a result of studying that I find upsetting.

I didn’t contemplate giving up at any point this term.  I learned from my experiences last term and, during the stressful and difficult bits, I had a grim resolve to get through the term.  I was waiting for the bit where nothing makes sense and everything is all completely overwhelming.  It wasn’t any more pleasant this time around, but I did have more faith that I could weather it.  I can’t say whether or not I have managed it yet, that will have to wait until I have finished the current term paper.  I have enjoyed it immensely though.

I am going to fall asleep at my laptop if I don’t leave this here and go get some sleep.  Funnily enough, after spending much of the day busy staring at my laptop and writing, having a rambly blog writing session has been quite cathartic.


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